The time has arrived to address play with the fullness of sincerity.
Contents
. progeny . proclivity . proclamation . preponderance
Progeny
to go forth
to form an ancestry
to acquire by effort
Quite recently I had the painful opportunity to witness a scene where a strong little boy did not understand his strength and would hurt his more amicable and smaller brother.
The smaller brother began to become tricky and lash out. Less than three, he learned deceit, and the stronger boy began to take the blame, even as he had corrected his mistakes; the picture was set too late.
As he continued to receive punishment at the hand of the sweetness of his brother’s lies, he began to eat less and shrink. He developed allergies and would often become grumpy and difficult to be with.
Over time the doctors decided to take out his tonsils and adenoid’s, forever changing the course of that boy’s body. In subtle ways, predicable to be seen, these memories before the age of 7 will set patterns that result in consequences decades later.
All could have been avoided if the slap and the spanking had not been the tool of education, but instead the way I learned through pain to relate to what they really feel and think. Kids will tell the truth until they are punished so hard and then stop. Then they will internalise the dynamic in their body and it will work out through their life.
Life is not complicated in this way. Though it is often more painful for someone to say sorry and admit the truth than go on pointing at others for what they themselves had done.
WORTH IT
Rendezvous daydreams
float atop a twiddle my thumbs Tuesday
aching for the excitement of the ever acclaimed weekend
I bide my time, with silly banter and dancing
until I can be held near, my dear
I am singing a tune, you had better listen to
this woman is much wiser than she led onto
but no good at games
I’m claiming innocence and honesty
will someday win me a man
who could handle these moves
but not try to tame my soul
only hold my heart with good strong hands
- and an open mind
this time, my lesson’s been learned-
there’s only so much time left to discern
what’s to come of this
I’ll place a down-payment,
on something that could be better than best
a good night’s kiss to put those tricks to rest
tucked into bed with dreams and ideals
cooked up over-easy with some pancakes
and a side of twinkling eyes
for we lovers never say good-bye
just see you next time.
OUR YARD IS GREEN
Innumerable affairs sown
with well intended ideas
became rhetorically weeded
well-groomed beyond where eyes could foresee
the story where fancied lives
far from the familiarly assumed
tend to go drowned out, in din’d overtures
insistent on minor keys and muted beige tones
floating beneath nonplussed waves
recoiled from bites of questioning
began to mutter of built dens buried
abruptly arriving upon false consensus of concision
knowing a cost of freedom delivered through concern
if you live in a body poised within consequential lands
signified by the imaginary kingdoms
separate from commonplace a plenty ordinarily feared
lined-up, heel-toe, heal-to-tow
as far as civil structuring goes
façades conceded for the illusions of
a levelled out daily task temperament
absent from errant hairs, trimmed hedges-funding
wild rabbit hole chases fore-fronting envious glares
echo’d in catacombs of homes full of children's’ giggles
hushed by the ache of arms hugged never quite enough
makes that tickle of touch, became such a rush
idyllically inciting a joyful home instead of a dread
of a manufactured melancholy as a chic or manly trend
having yet to have heard one worth listening to assuredly say
there’s a ascertained way for the lot of us all, as one
which one, of the millions of colours the sky shifts through any moment in the day dare be lumped into notions while thunderstorms’ motions insuring green yards or brown.
PETER PAN
Apparently my misinterpretation of the situation
led me blind to characteristics of a pseudo he
wannabe rock star posing sweetly
whispering promises
of a somebody I'd held in high esteem
thought once to not have existed
they all said it was a match
and what a perfect fit
so with that, I unguarded my heart
and left it to be eaten
without any cause
other than the naïveté
of the encounter of the surreal chain
laying before me
gnawed off while being chewed
a drop turning blue from my iris carries zero hope
for only that streams through my pupils
contracted and tinged by falsely personal persuasions
invoke the gods of logistical gears to churn
to step around becoming tinged by the singe
and in such depths between crests of waves
there’s no truth only the moon to turn
from where this all began.
NIGHTTIME TREND
A no patience for anything
has withered to indulging in
a click of the mouse wasteland
people have come to call the Internet
all attempts fail to obliterate the time stamp
of something with such speedy connections
barring truth from search engine optimisation
while enclosures remain historically noted
for rot from within
until the treadmill of tired of trying
rat wheel in a cage pattern
ceases to acknowledge the malaise
by conquering the profanity
of the Internet disease
spinning made upon beds
of trial decks limited to shuffled Jacks
there’s a shuffle in a slideshow
slowed from spinning under
the damp glow of a table lamp witness
passages of regret knowing no end results
from any pointed dagger
I feel you threaten with a tighter forefinger
the answer remains a choke
no? so yet again I’ll roll over
for the thing feigning of he saying
be a man
so I can exhale long enough
to see next light.
FINDING LIVING
Walking through a field of vision
a lens aimed by unfamiliar fingers
letting the breeze blow right through me
Passing walks with the phoney talks
never dipping in sticky places with meaning
allow getting by without any thought
the pressing essence of our being into form
For the first time again
I’m finding use in this life
Familiarity in the unfamiliar
As I take a big bite
From what I once thrived upon
and found out was spite
the course spit flung to ragged ground
I’m transported
to a place not in time
Or by coordinates
And that is
My friend
What I’ve come to call
Sanity.
RUNNING
Scorecards are not impressed
by the achievements humans play
to see approval
why do that anyway?
If the idea of we’re all the same
running around playing a big game
Fretting and frantic to get place to place
Where was the last pace
in the last time
You stopped and took
A good look at your face?
Unfamiliar you grew
yet spent so much energy
toward the material intently
You claimed as your personality
When we all know the ego can’t see
but waits ready to crack open
the oohs and ahhhh life
would be so much easier
if you
allowed
yourself to be.
ASIDE FROM
I
am only here
whenever the I
wants to be
Therefore where I look
Isn’t necessarily what I see
Sometimes I’m not so sure
What I make real for me
Is necessarily
what’s best for personal well being
living in this so called reality.
NEW DAY
The movement created inside my mind
from the glimpse of skin the eye retrieved
triggered a reaction in my heart
commanding my body
to coil upon itself
within its source of glee
flowing entirely free
the source of the new
to be found
existing
he made clear he had pursued
to tap from
inside of me.
WILD PETS
Beauty and soul
if only that mattered
in the world
those believed to be learned
better keep humble
though anyone can be
nothing special
never back down
even when someone strikes
on the face or ass
glare back
dare them
try again
remain a wolf
at each day’s end
never some man’s dog.
SWIM AND GENDER
Humans dive underwater
Feet to sky and head to ground
first breaths air chokes with bubbles
those lungs
can’t drown thee now
when under such a spell
contained by the surface
the soul gets
wrapped me up
in his lies
a history of mad women
institutionalised
“without a purpose"
My nerves snapped at that
and bones howled for all to hear
And every day since
my body grew stronger still
Afraid and yet able to stand
Here and witness the lie
to simply say goodbye
Calm and unfettered now
A disposition I can hardly believe
The emotional mess of me
Would have been able to embody.
NOTHING AS EVERYTHING
Keep your focus
you sway so well
paving roads
from swipes called destiny
Fated by beliefs
an endless fuel of ignorance
as bliss addiction
Keep your ears
to the winds
feeling forests
for their loves
The rest is noise
the background
sustaining
nothing
we know is everything.
A GHOST NEVER STOPS BEING INVISIBLE
Who I am has no name
What I do is all the same
Passing by some time with messages
For all people fighting for their lives
Breath in and recognise
Life is already given
And you don’t even
Have to believe in
Past lives or future demise
All that you making
The sounds you are saying
Make all your dreams
And fantasies
Real
I can recall
Many years ago
Wishing for adventure
Lamenting empty passport pages
And waiting
For my friend
To join on a voyage
Of our creating magnetism
Guided by forces of love
And free from fear
Off to the unknown
I wandered
naively
Trusting and making
Actions beyond
the insurmountable shaking
Rising from the seat of my soul
Deep down below where
Life promises
Emergence
I mustered my faith in love
To join in his arms
He loved me and he left me
To walk in the cold
After he had attained his wish
He always asked for more
So I gave all my time
And all my energy
To making a smile on him
For it was his joy that made me happy
The more
I poured
The smaller I became
And when he claimed
All wrongs my fault
I hinged my mind on every word
And believed all apologies
Why a girl
Would remain
Alludes my mind
years after
today
And so I left
To show all his fears wrong
If he could have faith
In all my motives that I said
Always did remain
So when I returned
I tried to still be good
But had so much pain
I could no longer serve his needs
And so I went away
In the very house we were to call
A home I became
A ghost screaming to leave me alone
Who could have known
The power of a man’s vision
Could transform a woman
Into a projection of a past
She knew nothing about
But only know the desire
His wish for it to be buried and cast out
And so I sing
Not for forgiveness or even myself
but to a day my name
be invisible to service
if love gives healing
then where is my understanding
Those who can’t or refuse to see
Call me weak or call me fearless
tell me to just change my ways
despite their appetite souls
my whiplash dizzied by their power games.
© Mari Amman
Poetry, Prose &Suche VOL IV.
First edition 2023, electronic distribution. Text and Images by Mari Amman.
The poems contained within this volume were drafted circa 2006-2009, in Chicago, USA, and edited during spring 2023 in Paris, France, with the enormous support of The Trélex Residency.
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